Nothing really new today still sorta slugghish the ears are both bothering me the hylandseardrops do help . Its concerning thou thatno both hurt I could have moreof a problem and not sure what to do so waiting it out. I should order more eardrops thou to keep on hand. I too some tintures this morning and I smokesd a very small amount like a puff. I had some neausa this morning just queezines I think the oatmeal isnt enough to hold down all my vitmians. the d3andtiodine as well as one of the twoaday multi's . I also had some squash with a little bit of maplesyrup. I eased into the day so went back to bed after nDea went to work I started chores a few hours late I just felt a little off and the quezziness. took it easy slacked on the chores didnt even touch laundry. I accomplished 2 workouts I did okay with amd took the dog on a walk. I'm not sure if these match my weightloss goals but its osmething right? The things we tell ourselves. so something vague a memory keeps trying to come clear with me about Raywho was kevingeldm.'s friend so I think I sorta dated this guy or just had sex with him he was a total weirdo and I rember the falling out and word got back to nKevi that I was stalking him or harrasing him something that I remeber thinking I was innocent of and yRa was telling K he called the cops on me which never happened and if he did then I guess they never caught up with me. so this is all like in the 2011timerange I'm soo unclear anyhow its all a bd thing. I'm was an awful person and yeah it was patheic dating wise another bad choice but whatif the things he accused me of I actually did do and just blacked it out. or what if thats some sorta weird type of wakeup call for all the people I have/had falsely accused intentoly or intenally? just a thought.
todays love dare was about getting to know yoru spoue the challange wasprepare a dinner for 2 and get to know them. thats the short of it. i'm not so sure were set up here for all that . I do realise thou I really dont know him (nDea) much of the things I ask him are whatever or I dont care. I think his biggest interest is the weed. of which my next point is that he brings up oh I should see if (his ex) eCarr needs antyhing tommorw fromt he dispencery and when I aksed him why he said oh so I dont have to make 2 trips. then I asked why that was his responiblity and he said my daughters sick then I asked well is she going to di without it he goes Id ont know.
I do regret a little of that conversation bc I am under the assumation she will take him up on his offer which is and assumation and also I cant control what he does. I have no interest in going with them if thats the case . but what can u do. this is all him thou he's the problem sittin here thinkin about her. I dont know how to tell him he loves her wheather he knows it or not. His life was already made and had things preset before me and i'm just an addition and I'm not his family he already had it made. I do feel that Im likely a homewrecker. Theeres no turning back I dont feel the need to support her and think that an adult should make thier own way in the world and its messed up she has that much control but a lot of it is him he thinks about her waay too much and initiates things waaaay to much. so perhaps I misunderstood things entering in this relationship. I have bit off more than I can chew . I dont know what to do I would like things to workout . I would lke t be a family thou thats not to exclude his duaghtaer but I'm saying we should be us and have a life together but he's already had that so not sure what i can offer. jsut taking things one day at a time touch and go I do need to do laundry tommrow and I hope to change the bed soon as the new bed proteactter comes so maybe tommrow as well. I dont even care about his concern of laundry cost I will cough it up if I can get to the bank and get quaters I think it is disguting to have the dog ontbed and also which is something he exstablished before me him and his ex had it nice and set dog in the middle and last night even thou were not closking the bedroom door now before we feel alsseep sure enough HE called the dog to the bed and put him in the middle. its not right that I dont get a say in being comfortable andfeeling sane least as far as clean. It bothers me and for whatever reason. I get it he cant have the dog on his side bc it bothers him but in which case the little teerd needs to be off the bed. Anyhow nohitng much is new today old thoughts being rebrought to life.

Last night we had a fight or slight fight its still unresolved unspoken about but it was around 6 I think by630I went to bed alone to process and stayed theere till wakeup time I think it was 9or10when i actually slept nDea was already in bed and watched his tv and had it turned off byt the time I was actually out. I ingored him he didnt say anything anyway then it seemed like he was close to me when he layed down but I wasnt sure so I did look and I was close to my side of thebed but not on the edge then Ithought well maybe hes letting he dog lay on his side the bed doesnt have room IDK I just dont know which I guess is where we stand anyhow this morning was pretty typical went as a usual workday we started off cuddling as pretty normal..

so the fight after an errand to the store to get milk we got home and nDea was mentioning he was hungry. I knew we had fish in the freezer but the ground beef was already thawed so probally the faster solution he hadnt showered since work so I was exspecting him to shower why I cook I asked is cheeseburger mac ok? and he said yes.... olny to come back and check the meat D: did you get lean? me:well how am I supposed to know? you were there when I bought it. D: (lookd at meat ) 85% oh thats a little fatty are you going to drain it? are you going to takt the fat out thats pretty fatty? me: no never mind do you want something else? __ this contiunes eventually we say just foget it and he gets in the shower and I pick up the pan and the empty the pot of water I was trying to boil and turn off the sotve put away the food.. I sat down to play cool while he showered then he came out sat down and didnt seem to be speaking to me so at 630 I let myself goo to not seem like a jerk..

Here's what i concluded in my thoughts sorta prayers i guess I was alone in bed thingking all night so the first 3 emotions I found I had been feeling was frustated embarssed and confused.. and then when I dug deeper I could coe up with more but it does seem that maybe I needed to zero in on those 3. Eventually I have shamefully concluded within myself this is MY fault and somethings needs to give something has to change. The whole problem is I do not know how to responc when I am frustrated.
See the problem is well actually I really never worried about the percent in the beef and its not something I pay too much mind too maybe a glane but its irrevelane to me . The otheer thing is I'm working on this homemaker things its actually important to me to be a good housewife and while I exspect to fall short I'm trying. I do not feel that I was ever really trained domesticly or given the skills and I also believe that I just suck at things and I really wouldnt know how where or when to drain the meat its an rv and a gas stove so one spill could be a hazard plus messy and Im a total mess at everything. I'm a very sloppy person. And the last gorcery trip we used foodstamps that i get as I like to use them at the end of the month its no problem to me and I think I may have pickedout the meat althou detials of the meat are unclear exspect I do remebr there was olny 1 on the shlef and I wanted it specially since it was the last of what I thought was our usaul choice... and anyhow I feel like i've disappointed nDea yet again I've done something foolish.

Theres no faultin his request to have food prepared a certain way or ask questions I dont believe. It was a coversation and while its inconveint this is all my fault. I dont know what to do how to react. Its emabrssing and shameful to say hey I dont think I can do that and then exsplain that Im a messy moron and do you think thats even believable to his standard thats probaly just an airheaded excuse. I feel like i'm constantly dissapointing. I'm embarssed and frustated. Theres noone to really turn to and I dont want to be treated like a child and trained on these things but I would like to learn but I'm so overwhelemd sad emabarssed and dont feel like its possible anyone can understand or relate. I do think thou I need something better thou I need to learn how to deal with frustration bootm line how do I respond to frustration. not sure where to begin but I need help. I still havnt aoplogised and when he layed down Ithought about saying I'm sorry bc thats loving its not loving to let someone go bed thinking maybe theres hoistly maybe he has inner turmoil over it or feels something. How do I bring him to peace with it . I couldnt get it to come out I couldnt say the words I did want to cry and I also worried that I would have to exsplain why I'm frustrated. I would like to apologise but not even sure how its all overwhelming sad and embarssing. I do not like who I am and why I do this nd commincate or dont in this way seems wicked andmaybe it goes back to a disagnoise maybe i'm a narsist, maybe its socialpath mayebe phscopath or is this atusim . Maybe its just plain wicked. I am aware now more than ever why I dont have many people in life and why roomates never worked for me. Its me I have a problem.
All of this I did go over a few more scenerios memories in my mind seeking healing including bzc- rembereing yWendandjb I did try to repent in my mind with GOD for the attempts of trying to cast a spell on W. I also was going over the offences in that home and trying to figure it all out. Also the mormon home considering whatI was told yJoe had said that I was badmouthing them loudly over the phone and I was remebring that I did have conversations that were misquoted but did I really leae the door open not knowing he was home? did I think he wasnt home . did I want him to overhear? was I being loud? did I care? I dont think my intentions in that call to my mother were bad I think I was trying to work thru the sitation and understand the household. and secondly I did fel reall bad about the little sunday converstation with yJoe were we would talk about his motheres behavior and problems and basiclly what is narsicstic in the running of the household. it occurs to me now did I really think that was going ot help? why did we do that and why did I enjoy those little sessions soo much? Situation at hand did I actually think I could help them by not on listening but adding feul? I was wrong for that no matter what train of thought was in my mind. Also why did I never give these people to GOD why did I never really get serious and bring it all to him these are real people with souls and their problems were real as well. While I prayed here and there it was never really anything that weighed on me and I did get angry and I did keep seeking "help" or "rescue" from everyone and weverywhere else to try to cope with the situation.

Anyhow thats gonna be a wrap for now I think the big points were on here and I did feel that GOD was leading me to stop at the 3 feelings for yesterdays fight and lay those down . Im not sure if i'm going to have more feelings to deal with later or what but the 3 came real quick and natrual to mind so all over a peice of meat I found myself embarssed confused and frustrated.